Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
