Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
barbara walters just said penis...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
