i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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