Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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