Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
