It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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