I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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