I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
