If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
