Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
