Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Randomize
