READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
