You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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