It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
