Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
