some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
