I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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