Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
