I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
