We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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