Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
