Sponge bath it is.
from now on my penis is your penis
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
In America we eat man semen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
