Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
