Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
