i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
