an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
