She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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