Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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