I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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