no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
