glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
