the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
