Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
