bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
