we have pet lesbian snakes
After last night, I could never be a politician.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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