I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
