Old men and throwing up are my life now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
