the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
