I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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