My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
