Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
