nut hugger
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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