my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
