I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
