dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
