I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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