once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
