Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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