I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
