I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
