Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
