FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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