oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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