He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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