My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
